I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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