Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
