What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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