I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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