Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
