im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
