There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
