hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
