I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
did you just send me my own nude
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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