My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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