Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
