She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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