i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
