Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
