i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
