Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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