Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
