I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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