I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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