But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
