When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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