so that wasnt chicken after all
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
