I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
