Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
