tonight lets celebrate not being married
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
