I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
