This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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