The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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