You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
