If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sober January is a disaster.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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