biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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