We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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