I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
