Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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