Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
