my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
