maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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