The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have feelings that need drinking.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
