I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
