Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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