idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
