ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
