a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
