You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
