i already hear my dad disowning me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
