i need an iv and a liver transplant
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
