There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
