I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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