I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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