I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
