This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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